10 Jan Big Fat Loser
The World’s (Former) Fattest Man is suing the UK government for ‘not helping’ him enough to lose weight.
Wow, what a splendiferous idea! I always thought i was fat because I reeeeeally like to eat. And i reeeeeeeallly dont like to exercise. Because yesterday I ate two cream donuts from the bakery and loved them. And i had some KFC for lunch and relished it. And then for dinner i baked up a storm with roast chickens, roast kumara and pumpkin drizzled with honey and laden with garlic salt. Oh and dont forget the juicy watermelon and luscious grapes i snacked on at the same time. And then of course there was the peach crumble i made for dessert and enjoyed with a bowl of strawberries and cream ice cream. ( the inventor of that flavor deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.) Oh and Im also fat because even after eating all that i still downed half a bag of Rashuns twisties with diet coke while i was reading till 2am. Well thats why i THOUGHT i was fat! But according to this UK gentleman,there are some other people i can hold responsible for my fatness. Yippeee!
So who can i sue for my fatness? Well theres no point suing the Samoan government for making me fat because let’s face it, most of the people in govt are really fat.Not forgetting that most people in Samoa are really fat. So if we ALL sued the govt for our fatness….well, there wouldnt be enough money left for Tuilaepa to take John Campbell on his hike up the mountain to see the new tsunami settlements and water systems.
Maybe i can sue the makers of Diet Coke for tricking me into thinking its okay to overeat AS LONG AS I DRINK FOUR CANS OF DIET COKE A DAY.
Or how about the owners of the bakery up the road, for situating their establishment within easy reach of my house?
Nah i should sue my mother for making me fat. SHE’S the one who modelled eating for rewards when i was a kid. Eating was a treat for good behaviour. So now, my day goes a little something like this – ‘Do three loads of laundry – reward myself with a pate sandwich….Mop the kitchen floor – give yourself a treat with some leftover french toast and maple syrup…EVEN – go for a run and you can have Nandos for dinner! Yaaaaay!’
I got a better idea. Im going to sue Queen Latifah for making me fat. She’s always smiling on tv looking all HAPPY and CONTENTED even though shes a larger woman. And she’s always looking incredibly hot and sexy AND scoring incredibly hot and sexy male leads in her movies – so OF COURSE, we larger-sized women eat more and exercise less because we think we can have our cake and eat it too. NOT. Thanks a lot Queen Latifah!
I think while Im at it, im going to sue the makers of asthma steroid injections. I was really sick a while back and had to have LOTS of steroid shots in the butt which were supposed to make my lungs work better. ( from backside to lungs…hmmmm?) Except steroids are appetite stimulants. They give them to chemo patients so try and make them want to eat. LIKE i needed any help with ‘wanting to eat’! I shall definitely sue the doctor who prescribed the steroids as well. Since they never warned me about such crippling side effects. Like delusions of starvation.
Maybe I’ll have better luck suing the inventors of Zumba. I sit and watch those lithe and lissome people zumba-ing their sexy selves on television – oops, thats the poledancer stripper channel…. I change back to the REAL zumba channel and it makes me so depressed to see them so fit and happy and doing those impossibly intricate dance moves, that i just have to get up and get something to eat. I hate the Zumba ads. Horrible happy co-ordinated people. They defn need to take some of the blame for my fat.
I really could go on forever listing all the different people who should be hanging their heads in shame at my fatness. But I gotta go – its time to make lunch.
Read about Mr Fat’s battle against the fat-causers at the following tag.