14 Jun Confessions of a Violent Nature

I have a problem. I’m brutally violent and vicious. In my mind. I didn’t always used to be this way. It’s gotten worse now that I’m old’er. Once I hit forty, baaaam. It was like the gloves came off and all pretence at being nice went out the window. In my mind.

I’ll give you an example. Bella gets in the car after school today and tells me she’s scared of Satan’s aunty. Who the hell is Satan’s aunty. And why is Bella worried about her?

It seems a girl in Bella’s class told her a scary story about Satan’s aunty – a woman with three eyes and no arms who stands at the school gate and waits to grab you. (I don’t know how she’s supposed to grab you if she has no arms, but maybe she’s got excellent use of her legs?) Why does she want to grab you? Because she wants to smear blood all over you and take you to Satan.

I tell Bella that’s a ridiculous story and she shouldn’t be listening to little girls who tell ridiculous stories. Bella says she’s still scared. I tell her – tomorrow, you go tell that girl she’s a big fat liar and if she tries to tell you anymore scary stories then you punch her in the face.

I’m not kidding. I really do want her to punch someone in the face. There was a time when I would have advocated for kindness and understanding but not anymore. Thankfully my kids never listen to me. I have the most non-violent children I’ve ever met who insist on praying for people who are mean to them. Where on earth did they get such an outlandish idea from anyway?

But it’s not only Satan-story-telling children who incite violence in me…

There’s a radio announcer who drives me up the wall with his inane commentary. He talks about stuff he knows nothing about and for some strange reason, he thinks he’s funny. He also thinks women everywhere adore him. He says sexist stupid things on the radio and I can’t stand him. I turn the radio off whenever I hear his voice. I want to run him over with my truck. Okay, maybe not literally because I don’t want to be a murderer, but symbolically speaking? Yeah, somebody needs to run him over with a truck.

There’s a woman at church who is the self-appointed spiritual fashion police. She tells men when their haircuts are offensive ( to God. Because she’s his mouthpiece.) She fidgets with boys’ ties and tells them how to fix them properly – even if they’re not her sons, grandsons or even second cousins twice removed. She buttons up women’s tops in case their wicked breasts leap out and smack someone on the face. She tells you when your skirt is too short, your dress is too tight, your sleeves are too scandalous, your lipstick is too red and your hair is too slutty. (Did you know that hair could be slutty? Me neither.) I want to throw things at her. Maybe a chair? Okay, a bit much…maybe a piece of chalk? Fine…some dead flowers then. (It is church after all.) Either way, she’s got me seething to throw something.

My tolerance levels on social media have also taken a nosedive. I used to strive to be pleasant, patient and practise kindness and longsuffering to all. Not anymore. I am deleting, unfriending and Blocking people left, right and center now. And laughing maniacally as I do so. (It’s very liberating – you should try it!) It’s amazing how many complete strangers think that being ‘Friends’ on Facebook gives them the right to message you with a lecture about how you should act/talk/think and what articles you should and shouldn’t share online. I used to engage with such helpful busybody people. Now, I give them the proverbial finger, throw in a few choice words and then DELETE.

I have a list of people who I want to hit over the head with a frying pan. Or vaporize with a laser gun. That alone is an indicator of my violent nature.

Am I the only one who has such a list??

 

 

9 Comments
  • Not even close to being the only one! I want to punch people in the face at my job all the time, and random people I just want to pluck them in the forehead one good time. I find myself seething as I walk away from particularly frustrating situations thinking of ways I could kill someone if only I lived in a story or a book and knew the ways I could get away with it.

    June 14, 2015 at 11:38 pm
  • Nina
    Reply

    I found this absolutely hilarious (it maybe my awkward sense of humour I guess)

    But I absolutely love reading you’re blogs, and this one has to be my favourite.

    No you are not the only one with such a vicious block list or visualising such an attack it would make you feel like a saviour LOL! Mine went to the extreme during my pregnancy where I could not stand Asians (no racial discrimination intended)

    But the struggle of trying to maintain my mane daily to look some what decent for the cooperate world and seeing these intelligent people (Asians) with perfect hair infuriated me (maybe it was the hormones) but I found my self having the urge to just walk up to them and scruff their well maintained hair that looked like it only needed the finest brush to set the style ( less than a one minute job) where I battled with mine for what seemed like an hour. (Extreme resentment for these people whom I’ve never befriended, thank goodness it passed once I had my child)

    But a block list on Facebook is definitely needed to survive the stupidity and unwanted advice of others on social media.

    I tend to find myself having aggravated thought towards some people or situations which infuriates me to the point where I have to remind myself of that meme Not today Satan, Not Today,(love that meme if you have ever come across it)

    June 15, 2015 at 12:19 am
  • I think I might know who that radio announcer is.If I am right,he is actually like that in person as well and is drives.me absolutely vomit-inducing nuts.Don’t even get me started about women in church who thinks they are Moses who God sent to save us.As you are getting her lash you pray to dear God you don’t make a scene by yelling at her to go look after her promiscuous daughter first.Then again,she probably has noooooo idea.
    Good luck this week Lani.Hopefully there are some violent thoughts-free days 🙂

    June 15, 2015 at 12:29 am
  • Emily
    Reply

    I am so there with you! Like the time I was on the phone with my visiting teacher while trying to parallel park my van. VT on the phone was trying to make an appointment to visit me and then some guy cuts in behind me with his tiny car and steals the space I was backing into. I yelled, “You @#$! for brains!!!!” much to my VT’s shock and then had violent thoughts of bulldozing his car with him inside it for days and days afterwards. The woman at church…yes, yes, yes. I always want to punch people in their stupid faces and don’t get me started on all the perverts in town who undress me with their eyes whenever I walk past – severing certain body parts comes to mind…

    June 15, 2015 at 11:06 am
  • john
    Reply

    I have a palagi friend who went golfing with some palagi fellows who kept telling him about what to do when he hits the ball. There was one time when he would make a birdie and then he would say things like, what now mate, what do you think of that, ay? But what he really wanted to say was, shut your mouth now *&^% or I’ll come over there and stick this club up your &*%…ha ha ha. Bad thoughts, I get them when people disrespects me; honk at me, and mostly at church when the righteous than thou looks down at you but you didn’t do anything wrong, oh, besides thinking bad things to do to their face, ha ha.

    June 15, 2015 at 11:38 am
  • Ipo
    Reply

    Oh no, girl, you are not alone. I smiled the whole time reading this post because I feel the same viciousness creeping up inside me more and more as the years go by. Why do I smile? Because now I know I’m not alone 🙂

    June 15, 2015 at 7:44 pm
  • *high five* before I read your post I thought I was the only one losing patience with the world! My typical response to things these days is “just punch them in the face!” I don’t know when things got this way but I have a feeling social media as making people haywire!

    June 17, 2015 at 7:43 pm
  • Lina Laki
    Reply

    You’re definitely not the only one. Facebook and church go hand and hand with mine. I’m Facebook friends with people from church and they like to use “scriptures” to subliminally bash people.. It drives me nuts! And I can’t delete them because they happen to be my husbands family or claim each other and I’m not used to being around a lot of Samoan people (even thou I’m Samoan).. They’re too dramatic and they talk too much.. So I just deactivated Facebook.. Would’ve been nice to send them all messages with a few choiced words and a the finger then delete them buuuuuut, I have to see them in real life and they already think I’m dramatic because I’m straight up and speak my mind about not being to wrap my mind around half the stuff they say and do as if it’s NORMAL but it’s some twisted crap even Palagi people don’t even do to each other.. Oops. Now I’m venting

    July 6, 2015 at 4:10 am

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