01 Jan ‘Im Sexy and I know it’
Good morning 2012,
This year, I will set realistic health and fitness goals. I will not be stupid and say “Im going to lose 40 pounds and have washboard abs that are SO amazing that I will be able to replace Ezra Taylor on the cover of my Telesa book.” No. I’m setting goals that can actually be achieved. This year, I will work out on my new fitness machine, the AbCirclePro for 30min every morning and eat enough carrots to qualify me for admission to bunny rabbit sainthood. See? Totally do-able goals. First weekday of 2012 and I am eager and enthusiastic.
Before using any exercise equipment, it’s essential to read the instruction manual.
Instructions for using the Ab Circle Pro.
1. Lock the door. Essential. (Do you know how dumb you look on the AbCircle Pro? The Hot Man videotaped me working out on it the other day, and it’s a horrifying sight. Nothing like the TV demo ad – which actually looks like an ad for a porn movie with a boosty beautiful Jennifer getting down and happy on her very sexy machine. Liar, liar.)
2. Put on workout gym clothes. Super flash ones. Because of course everybody knows that color-co-ordination and sporting accessorization is 80% of the fitness battle won.
3.Put on earphones and start the iPod. Possible sound tracks – ‘
I’m Sexy and I know it. You’ve got a big butt and you know it.’
4. Get on Ab Circle Pro machine. Begin swinging motion of lower body. Stick out chest like fitness celebrity Jennifer Nicole Lee. Smile.
5. Work that body. Work it, work it. Smile. Yeah, you can feel that JLo hip movement really starting to burn. You know you’ve probably lost five pounds already. At least.
6. Swing faster. Because you’re sexy and you know it.
This is where the manual is revealed as a piece of useless, misleading crap. Because it’s missing this next vital piece of information.
*Watch out that your knee doesn’t slip out of the machine support. Because if it does, you will be dislodged off the AbCirclePro and your knee will slam into the metal leg of the machine base and then onto the wood floor, your body weight will tilt the machine to one side dislodging your sexy self, your face will slam into the central metal piece, and then you will fall on the floor.
Yes, that key point is missing in the instruction manual. So what happened?
Crash, thump, yelp, agonized scream, semi-muffled curse curse curse words.
I lay there in a crumpled heap on floor. Trying not to cry. Trying not to curse too loud. Trying not to kick the machine because dammnit I got it on 30 day trial and I really want to be able to send the stupid thing back. Trying to ignore the fiery pain in my left knee.
My children have heard the scream. Or maybe the very loud crash. They are concerned and knocking on the locked door. ‘Are you ok?! What happened?’
‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.’ Comes to mind. But they can’t help me because the door is locked. Drag myself over, unlock door. Family pours in with concern, confusion and compassion. Sade bosses Little Son to bring ice for the knee that is swelling alarmingly. Bella kicks the AbCirclePro vengefully. ‘You bad machine!’ The Princess pats my arm soothingly, ‘It’s alright Mum. You’ll be fine.’ Big Son just shakes his head, ‘that’s what happens when you go too fast on it.’ (Remind me to cut him out of my will.)
Two hours later and my knee is swollen in a freakishly frightening fashion. And I haven’t eaten any carrots either. Clearly, I will not be doing any more AbCirclePro anytime soon because not only does the knee hurt, but it also can’t fit into the knee support.
I think this is a pain and a disappointment that only donuts can fix.