14 Sep My Mutant Uterus.
For several years now, I’ve been having some health problems which various doctors have tried to fix with various remedies. I finally got some clear answers on my recent trip to New Zealand. Yay! One of those answers being, that I have a mutant uterus. Otherwise known as adenomyosis.
When a doctor says that you have a mutant overgrown squishy exploding uterus and shows you pictures of mutant overgrown squishy exploding uteruses, she doesn’t expect you to leap for joy and fist bump in celebration. But that’s what I did, because:
1. Knowing what’s wrong is like a huge weight rolling off me. At last an explanation for some of the accumulated misery of countless months! I mean, who knew that getting old would be this stressful??
2. It’s not cancer. Which was always at the back of my mind. (Me and Google doctor had many chats about it because Google Dr knows everything and wants to tell me everything awful that could possibly be wrong with me.)
3. It’s fixable. Sort of. I need to break up with my uterus and have a hysterectomy. If I wasn’t old and the mum of five
demon children, the thought of breaking up with my uterus would make me very sad. But since it’s been giving me nuthin but trouble, I’m not sad. I just wish there was a magic pill you could take that would zap it away overnight.
As soon as I left the doctor’s office I messaged the Hot Man back in Samoa.
Me – I have a mutant uterus! It’s called blah blah blah. It’s why I’ve been suffering and in pain and so squishy too. I need to have a hysterectomy in a few months, but I’m glad it’s going to get fixed.
Him – I’m glad too. But worried about the operation.
Me – Look at these photos of mutant uteruses. It will explain everything.
No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply.
Me – Did you look at the pictures??
Him – No.
Me – Why not? Here’s a link where you can read all about mutant uteruses too. Go read it!
No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply.
Me – Hello? Did you read the link? Did you look at the pictures?
Him – Do I have to?
Me – Yes! Don’t you want to know what my uterus looks like?
Him – Not really.
Me – Don’t you care about my health?? My wellbeing? My pain? My suffering?
Him – Yes I care. But I still don’t want to look at uterus pictures.
Me – But then you’ll know why I’ve been miserable and tired and extra grumpy…
Im getting real excited now as I have a sudden brainwave.
Me – I bet you my mutant uterus is the reason why I’m fat! When they take it out, I bet you that funky thing weighs AT LEAST ten kilos!! Maybe fifteen!!
I have visions of my slinky sexy mutant-uterus-less self, all toned and trim because I won’t have periods that last for six weeks and I won’t be severely anaemic anymore and I won’t get tired walking up the driveway. Instead I’ll probably take up triathlons and climb mountains and do random fitness sh** like that. Then I’ll get to be the one who jets overseas to compete in Ironman and marathons in exciting locations. Yay me! Once I get rid of my mutant uterus I am going to be TRANSFORMED I tell ya. You won’t recognise me. Goodbye lazy sluggish owner of the gigantic squishy uterus – hello lighter, freer, fabulous’er, fitter, faster, beautiful’er ME!
Him – I don’t think so.
Me – How do you know? You haven’t even looked at the mutant uterus pictures yet. Taking it out will be like liposuction! Think how much smaller my jelly belly will be once the operation is done!
Him – Your uterus isn’t in the same place as your stomach.
Honestly, sometimes I think this man’s goal in life is to forever be dashing my dreams and hopes. #DreamDasher
Him – It’s late. I had a long day at work. Can I look at uterus pictures tomorrow please?
Me – Fine.
I got lots of other important things to do anyway. Like planning a new wardrobe for the new improved minus-a-mutant-uterus me. And checking out what sporting events I’ll be entering next year.