14 Sep My Mutant Uterus.

For several years now, I’ve been having some health problems which various doctors have tried to fix with various remedies. I finally got some clear answers on my recent trip to New Zealand. Yay! One of those answers being, that I have a mutant uterus. Otherwise known as adenomyosis.

When a doctor says that you have a mutant overgrown squishy exploding uterus and shows you pictures of mutant overgrown squishy exploding uteruses, she doesn’t expect you to leap for joy and fist bump in celebration. But that’s what I did, because:

1. Knowing what’s wrong is like a huge weight rolling off me. At last an explanation for some of the accumulated misery of countless months! I mean, who knew that getting old would be this stressful??

2. It’s not cancer. Which was always at the back of my mind. (Me and Google doctor had many chats about it because Google Dr knows everything and wants to tell me everything awful that could possibly be wrong with me.)

3. It’s fixable. Sort of. I need to break up with my uterus and have a hysterectomy. If I wasn’t old and the mum of five demon children, the thought of breaking up with my uterus would make me very sad. But since it’s been giving me nuthin but trouble, I’m not sad. I just wish there was a magic pill you could take that would zap it away overnight.

As soon as I left the doctor’s office I messaged the Hot Man back in Samoa.

Me – I have a mutant uterus! It’s called blah blah blah. It’s why I’ve been suffering and in pain and so squishy too. I need to have a hysterectomy in a few months, but I’m glad it’s going to get fixed.

Him – I’m glad too. But worried about the operation.

Me – Look at these photos of mutant uteruses. It will explain everything.

No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply.

Me – Did you look at the pictures??

Him – No.

Me – Why not? Here’s a link where you can read all about mutant uteruses too. Go read it!

No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply. No reply.

Me – Hello? Did you read the link? Did you look at the pictures?

Him – Do I have to?

Me – Yes! Don’t you want to know what my uterus looks like?

Him – Not really.

Me – Don’t you care about my health?? My wellbeing? My pain? My suffering?

Him – Yes I care. But I still don’t want to look at uterus pictures.

Me – But then you’ll know why I’ve been miserable and tired and extra grumpy…

Im getting real excited now as I have a sudden brainwave.

Me – I bet you my mutant uterus is the reason why I’m fat! When they take it out, I bet you that funky thing weighs AT LEAST ten kilos!! Maybe fifteen!!

I have visions of my slinky sexy mutant-uterus-less self, all toned and trim because I won’t have periods that last for six weeks and I won’t be severely anaemic anymore and I won’t get tired walking up the driveway. Instead I’ll probably take up triathlons and climb mountains and do random fitness sh** like that. Then I’ll get to be the one who jets overseas to compete in Ironman and marathons in exciting locations. Yay me! Once I get rid of my mutant uterus I am going to be TRANSFORMED  I tell ya. You won’t recognise me. Goodbye lazy sluggish owner of the gigantic squishy uterus – hello lighter, freer, fabulous’er, fitter, faster, beautiful’er ME!

Him – I don’t think so.

Me – How do you know? You haven’t even looked at the mutant uterus pictures yet. Taking it out will be like liposuction! Think how much smaller my jelly belly will be once the operation is done!

Him – Your uterus isn’t in the same place as your stomach.

Honestly, sometimes I think this man’s goal in life is to forever be dashing my dreams and hopes. #DreamDasher

Him – It’s late. I had a long day at work. Can I look at uterus pictures tomorrow please?

Me – Fine.

I got lots of other important things to do anyway. Like planning a new wardrobe for the new improved minus-a-mutant-uterus me. And checking out what sporting events I’ll be entering next year.

Ha. #DreamsAreFree

  • Elenoa Salele

    Ha ha! Lani you’re always cracking me up with your posts. Speedy recovery from that gigantic squishy uterus 🙂

    September 14, 2015 at 4:11 pm
    • Lani

      Thank you Elenoa!

      September 16, 2015 at 11:34 am
  • rapil

    Your hubby is crackup with his final reply ** not same place as the stomach** I pray soon to be surgery goes well ,speedy recovery. Yes you will be slimming ” Hello lighter,freer, fabulous ,fitter, fast beautiful You!

    September 14, 2015 at 8:47 pm
    • Lani

      Thank you! I really think this man needs to change his perspective…MINE is so much more exciting and positive LOL

      September 16, 2015 at 11:34 am
  • Anonymous

    Lol i alway enjoy reading very funny

    September 14, 2015 at 9:00 pm
    • Lani

      Thank you. I appreciate when people keep me company on my blog.

      September 16, 2015 at 11:35 am
  • Siovhan Hutcherson

    I had fibroid tumors all up in my uterus, which led to all sorts of prolonged, heavy bleeding, squashed bladder, and severe iron deficiency. When my doctor told me it was time to get it taken care of, I REJOICED!!! No periods! No pain! No anemia! I only have a son, but I was way past my 30’s, so i was like HALLELUJAH! I felt so good once I recovered. And YES, I dropped a lot of weight, too. Key: exercise NOW. Walk NOW. Eat better NOW. So when the uterus goes, the weight will come off and you’ll feel peppy…and svelte! And FREE!!!

    September 15, 2015 at 3:17 pm
    • Lani

      Excellent advice Siovhan, thank you. Your experience is motivating me to move and groove and yes, to hold fast to my rejoicing. Until you’ve lived with nightmare periods and all the associated pain, anemia and discomfort – it’s hard to understand just how awful it really is to have messed up insides.

      September 16, 2015 at 11:36 am

    Hi Lani, its quite funny, and very informative, because women like me have experinced the same situation and went through extreme pains and periods that took forever to stop..and out of the blue upsetting the balance..i think i’m gonna start exploring Dr.Google’s world; disagree to his explanations that i think would negatively applies to my situation..hahahahaha..

    Malo lava..our hubbys always look at he negative side of things…

    I always love stalking your blogs Lani…malo lava!..

    September 16, 2015 at 12:34 pm
  • Sun Dance

    Sister what a gift to give back your Whare Tangata to our great earth mother. May your journey to healing allow you the freedom to be you again! Great read xxx

    September 16, 2015 at 1:55 pm
  • I’m glad you finally got answers and help! And the Hot Man just has a bad attitude, IMHO

    September 16, 2015 at 3:37 pm
  • pencee

    I am going tomorrow see whats up with down under…..the dramas we go through to bring them to earth…..good luck with your findings sis.

    September 16, 2015 at 8:56 pm

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