27 Aug No. I don’t want to have sex right now.

Pop Quiz time. You’re married (or in a fabulous longterm relationship with your fabulous partner) who is a man. Your husband/man wants to have sex and you don’t. Does he have the right to:

A. Hit you. Beat you. Cut you. Hospitalize you.

B. Get mad and shout at you. Break stuff. Threaten you. Frighten the children.

C. Sulk and refuse to talk to you any more, until you start being a #goodwife.

D. Go have sex with some other woman.

E. Get drunk with the boyz and complain to them all about what a cold bi*** you are.

F. Find a quiet private room in the house somewhere and masturbate. Then re-join you with a happy smile.

G. Refuse to give you any of his wages for the shared family and household expenses and instead tell you to ‘look after your kids on your own. They’re your problem.’

H. Lecture you with Bible verses about the appropriate role of a woman and a wife. Ask the pastor to talk to you about how you can be a better wife.

I. Accuse you of having an affair with some other man, because why else would you be refusing sex with your husband? Start stalking you, going through your phone, telling you that you’re ‘not allowed’ to go anywhere.

J. Go mow the lawn, or go for a run, have a cold shower, indulge in a brisk game of rugby, a Zumba session – or any other kind of non-sexual activity associated with quelling one’s sexual urges. Then re-join you with a happy smile.

K. Force you to have sex with him anyway. Otherwise known as RAPE.

Put your answer in the comments. If you’ve got some other answers not included on my list, or experience with any other options, please list them in the comments too.

What prompted this pop quiz? A recent study carried out by the Samoa Family Health and Safety, found that 46.4% of Samoan women surveyed aged 15 to 49, had experienced physical and/or sexual violence by an intimate partner. Concerns about violence against women in Samoa were raised in the first State of Human Rights Report for Samoa that was released last week. The Observer newspaper quotes the report,

“The epidemic rates of violence against women in Samoa is a form of discrimination that comes about from the systemic undervaluing of women in Samoan society and their exclusion from decision making processes…many participants in the focus groups cited that Fa’aSamoa permits husbands to beat their wives…Evidence suggests that violence against women is socially legitimized in Samoa..almost 70% of the women surveyed believed that men have a good reason to beat their wives (including if she is unfaithful, doesn’t do housework well, or if she disobeys him.) …In the study’s focus groups, women often (humorously) responded that they were most often beaten when they refused sex.” (emphasis added by me.)

  • Wow! This one hits home mainly because during my entire first trimester I didn’t want to have sex with my husband, mainly because I was nauseous 80% of the time and kept being afraid that something would put me over the edge and I’d finally throw up all over him, a gross thought when ur trying to have sexy time. I never actually vomited during the whole trimester, but my husband didn’t mind my hesitancy, especially when I explained it to him. He also knows that when i have a headache, stomach ache, or any type of ailment, he probably shouldn’t even try unless I initiate it. His response to being turned down varies, sometimes it’s option F, sometimes J. Usually though he responds with humor and a bit of sulking to try to guilt me. Still, he’s never pressured me, and I’m quite thankful for that.
    I know of men, my exes, male ex friends, and those men my friends may have dated who believe those other options are viable options, and that’s the reason they be come exes and ex male friends. When a friend of mine gets into a situation like one of these I can’t help but hurt for them, especially when they think it’s okay. There’s nothing I can do in those situations except be there for the inevitable fallout.

    August 27, 2015 at 10:31 am
      • Yep! That stage is completely gone. Now I’m just watching the numbers on the scale climb higher, and trying to field random people touching my stomach. (please tell me I’m not alone in saying that’s the most uncomfortable feeling, strangers and non relatives/not quite friends trying to touch your stomach) I’ve also just felt him (it’s a boy) move which is exciting. I’ll get a headache here and there but that’s it.

        Men like my husband are definitely rare. I can’t imagine the reactions of the crowd when the therapist said that. So many women think that it’s their job to do it. Even I f eel bad at times when I turn my husband down, I don’t really want to deny him something he wants. I remember my counseling session with my pastor before the wedding. He mentioned option H, and the duties of me as a wife. I balked. I know what the bible says but times have changed. My husband and I agreed that neither of us want to be pressured into something we’re too tired to do, and that we want to be honest with each other. We agreed that I shouldn’t use sex as a weapon to get him to do something or to punish him for something, and he shouldn’t use the denial of it to make me feel like a horrible person/wife or as an excuse to do something stupid. Like the therapist said, he’s not an animal, he has self control,

        That being said, I rarely deny him, as I’m usually the initiator. I wonder if this topic is ever used in the opposite direction, for men’s denials. After all, they’re not machines, so they sometimes say not now.

        August 27, 2015 at 11:17 pm
        • shelly hudson

          I get not wanting to be touched. I don’t get why people think that any pregnant belly is fair game. I had some stranger rub my belly while I was pregnant and I grabbed his package. He was aghast at what I had done. I just replied that if he can take liberties, then I would too. I then asked if it would be okay if my husband touched his wife/sister/aunt in the manner he did me. Of course, having a six foot one hulk of a husband as back up gave me more guts than I probably would have had other wise

          August 28, 2015 at 4:25 pm
          • Ugh! No clue. Funny thing is, the people I don’t mind doing it actually warn me before they do it. Family members, close friends, they come to me with arms outstretched and smiles on their faces and say “omg I have to touch it” and I let them because They are family and their hands aren’t foreign to me. Or they give me a hug and give my belly a small tap. That’s fine. A lady at church did it last Sunday, and I almost jumped out of my skin. It was like a drive by grabbing and made me feel violated. No man besides my dad and husband has tried to touch it yet, and for that I’m thankful.
            I explained to my best friend the other day when she said she didn’t understand. I told her to imagine my hands as stranger hands, and then began to rub her flat tummy. She said it felt ridiculously uncomfortable since no one ever does that. I said that’s the point, all of a sudden when u have a baby in there, people think it’s no longer your skin covering that place. That the further ur belly sticks out from your body the less it actually is your body and the more they have a chance to actually touch it. Unfortunately, I still have 4 months to go, so I’m going to have to deal.

            August 28, 2015 at 11:41 pm
  • Mel

    My husband and I have been together 11years. With deployments,trainings and being away from him due to family matters. We rarely ever have this problem. When it does happen its because I’m not emotional there. If I’m not in the mood, he will get to the bottom of why I’m feeling down. He’ll talk to me, ask me if there is anything he can do to help relieve the stress, or just make me laugh. Then the mood would go form me being sad, to being ready to get it on. 🙂 If its been a tiring day from getting the kids to school, taking care of our 1yr old, cleaning, washing, cooking, and i just dont want to be bother at the end of the day. He makes sure he pleases me first before we can do anything else…I respect my husband even more for these things. So J, he would just play a video game, go for a ride on his bike, play with the kids or sleep. There allot of other things to keep him busy if he aint getting any. As of right now, he is deployed so its for sure F.

    August 27, 2015 at 4:59 pm
  • Little Lani

    Just yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across a video posted by a young Samoan “man” of himself, voicing his opinion/ perspective on girls consuming alcohol. His opinion was this:
    “Girls you shouldn’t drink alcohol, alcohol is for the men. We can drunk alcohol because we are men. When you drink you go home with random guys and get pregnant.when you drink you cause dramas and cause the violence at home. ”
    My initial reaction saw me construct and send a very lengthy and abrasive message to him via messenger clarifying that yes sometimes we get drunk and get a bit dramatic or are rendered useless to have sex, but hitting us does not make us any more sober nor do we kidnap males against their will and take them home with us. But once I’d sent it it made me think.. his opinion hasn’t stemmed from his own wisdom, that’s a mindset still very prevalent in Samoa and has more than likely been passed onto him. I was in a relationship at a very young age with a guy a bit older than me. Sex fast became the primary activity on his agenda whenever I was around. Regardless of time, location, appropriateness or how much I DIDNT want to engage in sex (including that time of the month) I soon learnt this was not acceptable unless I wanted to be iced out or given the silent treatment for days on end. I was made to do sexual acts I was not mature enough to deal with emotionally nor ready for physically. Now when I look back I can appreciate the life lessons it taught me about self respect and that it is okay for me to enforce boundaries or say no if I do not want to do something.i would never have been able to learn that though had I not been living in contemporary NZ with the counsel and guidance of very actively supportive friends and a mother who I could voice my feelings to. If not for them and the country I live in pushing the “it’s not ok” message, how else would I have known it was wrong ? Thats the issue here with Samoa ..who is telling these males that it’s not ok ?

    August 28, 2015 at 10:58 am
  • Rasela

    F and J are the only acceptable answers in my book. Men seem to think that women are responsible for controlling their sexual urges, which is ridiculous. Men should learn to take some personal responsibility for their sexual desires and not touch a woman who rejects their advances. Your lady doesn’t want sex? Exercise some self control and take matters into your own hands (figuratively AND literally).

    At the same time, we must teach our daughters that it is unacceptable for a man to hit them for ANY reason. Our daughters must know that they are not punching bags for a man’s anger. They must be taught that they are valued, special, and loved and should therefore be treated with love and respect. They must be taught that a REAL man will treat her with respect and love. What is the best way to do this? We must model this for our daughters. If our girls see us being hit by our husbands, she will think that is acceptable behavior. If we don’t do show our girls how they should be treated, they will be treated like garbage.

    September 10, 2015 at 9:24 am

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