11 Aug The Beach Sucks.

The beach sucks. And jellyfish are of Satan. I want them wiped off the face of the earth.

If you know me then you know I loathe the beach. Its hot, sandy, dirty, far away, too much wide open space, and its got bugs and I have to actually go outside to get there. 

I only go to beaches under much duress and because Im making the EXTREME SACRIFICE for those (demon) children of mine who adore beachgoing. Because Im stockpiling #GoodMother points in heaven that will hopefully negate all those times when I tell them to ‘get away from me! Youre like a bad smell just hanging about that I cant get rid of!’  And those times when making their lunchboxes just seems like too much hard work so I tell them ‘I have a great idea, who wants a day off school? Why dont you stay home today and play XBox? Youre such clever children it wont matter if you miss today. Besides, you went every day LAST week like overachievers. Thats plenty!’

So yes, I am that wonderful mother who hates the beach but endures it for her children’s sake.

Lucky demons.

Yesterday we went to a beach (with fabulous friends) and my beloved Demons were stung by a swarm of jellyfish. Bella got stung first and it was scary and painful for me and her. I was envisioning brain haemorraging and/or cardiac arrest and calculating how fast her Dad could drive us to the hospital. Wondering if I could be tough enough to perform a rudimentary tracheotomy in the car as we navigated a winding road and lots of potholes…

Thankfully our fabulous friends who owned the beach house we were visiting, had vinegar and then hot water to help soothe the sting. So I didnt need to test my #ToughMum-ness after all.

But the other two kept on swimming with their friends, insisting that they were “staying far away from the jellyfish”. Yeah right.

Because I have children who are allergic to almost everything, they woke up this morning covered in red welts and hives from head to toe. They had to stay home from school and get doped up on medicine. They were sore and sad, and so was I on their behalf.

Im not happy about jellyfish that go around stinging other people’s (demon) children. Dammit.

What do we learn from this?

The beach is a horrible place. Its hot, sandy, dirty, far away, too much wide open space, its got bugs and I have to actually go outside to get there.

Good mothers dont take their children to places with evil stinging lethal creatures. So…..we are never going to the beach again.

  • Sieni A.M.

    Totally with you there on beaches. I’m a lakes/rivers/waterfalls kind of girl. No need to kaele afterwards.

    August 11, 2015 at 11:05 pm
  • Omg!!! I am so with you on the jellyfish. When I was little I went to a water camp in the summer and we got to swim in the ocean at least twice a day. I’d gotten stung a couple times but never bad enough to care. Then one day I was swimming and somehow I stuck my arm up and inside a jellyfish’s tentacles. I got up, and the thing was wrapped and tangled across my arm. I had to grab it by the head and snatch it off, some of the tentacles breaking off in the process, and then I had to pull the little tentacles that stuck off too. My arm hurt so bad. I had welts and blisters and was screaming crying (not a good look for my 13 year old self) and my poor grandma who I was staying with for the summer had to rush out to the camp that was an hour from her house and get me and bring me topical and oral anti allergy medicine while I was screaming I would die soon. Needless to say, to this day, I hate the beach. I’ll go in for 5 minutes up to my knees and then say that’s enough, I’ve tested my luck and let’s not push it, and then get out. I’d rather read on the sand anyway

    In other exciting news…I’m expecting my first (demon) child soon! It’ll be a boy! Super excited and super scared. Needless to say I’ll try my best to keep him confined to pools and only knees deep in the ocean…for five minutes.

    August 11, 2015 at 11:26 pm
  • Ipo

    You almost convinced me to hate the beach. Almost. Clever (demon) mother 🙂

    August 12, 2015 at 7:51 am
  • Anonymous

    I’m with you Lani. I’m not a swimmer so I never miss going to the beach. Only if I really have to. I hate jellyfish or well known in Hawaii as Bluebubbles because I thought I was gonna die when it wrapped around my neck. So yes to rivers and lakes but no beach for me.

    August 12, 2015 at 8:23 pm
  • Hater of beaches right here. I used to love it until 6 years ago when I realized I am slowly turning into a slightly anti-social hermit who would rather read by a deserted river than be smacked upon a wide sand covered,mosquito infested beach.

    August 20, 2015 at 9:05 pm

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