04 Feb The OTHER Woman
She’s so beautiful that my son wants to take pictures of her. And put them on Facebook.
She’s so beautiful that my children all want to be seen with her. They wheedle and plead, Can you take us to school with her? Can you take us to the mall with her? Pleeeease?
She’s so beautiful that other men (and some women too) eye her up when she goes past on the street. Ogling and ooogling. Nodding their heads appreciatively at the sound of her voice…the way the sun glints on her body…the way she moves effortlessly past…the allure of her curves and lines. (Was there ever a time people looked at ME that way? Im getting a headache just trying to imagine such an impossibility.)
Its not as if she hasnt been around the block a few times…if you know what I mean…with a few OTHER men. No, she’s no spring chicken. ( Okay so shes younger than me. But Ive had five children while shes had NONE, so i have an excuse for my weathered state!) But still, HRH is totally and completely besotted. Smitten. Knocked over the head with the sledgehammer of love. After their first encounter – ON AN ONLINE HOOK-UP SITE NO LESS – the man could think of nothing else. He just had to have her. He pined over her photos and mused over her vital stats. And then came the day when he first brought her home and made her his. Everybody had to meet her. Everybody had to go for a drive with her. Listen to the roar of her engine. He even took her for a drive to meet his mum. ( Im happy to tell you that I made a better first impression on his mum than she did. Ha. She didnt even get invited into the house. He had to leave that shameless hussy sitting out on the front driveway. At least my mother-in-law is decently loyal to me. Unlike my quick-to-desert-me children. sniff sniff)
HRH cleaned out the messy garage for her. Because there’s no way his beautiful creature is getting parked outside on the road. Hell no! Not when other men might covet her and STEAL her. Hell no! She gets locked away in a safe, secure spot. And she gets a super duper state of the art alarm. That screams REALLY loud if anybody even dares to lay a single greasy finger on her.And she only gets to come out of her sanctuary on special ocasions – because you cant take her just any old place…hell no! Somebody might carelessly bump her. Scratch her. Mistake her for a rubbish truck and put their trash in her. Sheep dogs might get confused and think HRH stole their farm car and then do silly things. Like pee on the tyres. Or something like that. Hell no!
But because I am a Good Wife – Im being very accomodating about the new woman in my husbands life. Ive welcomed her to our home. Just had to lay down a few ground rules…like, she has to earn her keep. You know, run useful errands like deliver boxes and take excessive trash to the dump. And go get my new sofa from Warehouse.
Oh, and i figure if she ever makes me really mad, I can just drive her on the wrong side of the road or accidentally release the handbrake and let her roll her slinky self down the driveway and into oncoming traffic… Becuase HRH is so crazy about her that he’s insured her for a tidy little sum. And then I can claim the payout. And use the money to make a small deposit on a Hot Little Number that I’VE had my covetous eye on all my life…