10 Dec Why I will Never be a World Famous Best-Selling Author.
See? JK Rowling oozes with calm, elegant, best -selling author sophistication.
I have had an epiphany. A revelation of earth-shaking proportions. I will never be a world-famous, internationally best-selling author. Why? Because I am just way too un-cool. I have no calm ,elegant, nonchalant, best-selling sophistication at all. None.
I would never be able to catch sight of my book pictured on a poster somewhere without hyper-ventilating. Or see it in a bookstore without embracing it. (even if it was in the bargain bin. Embrace, embrace.) I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing that kazillions of people are reading my book. Or comprehend a movie being made of it. Fall down and die right there. A telesa doll at KMart? Hanging out with BARBIE?! Oh miraculous blessed day…to be on a shelf with that epitome of plastic perfection? All my childhood dreams are now realized. Nope. Just the thought of Telesa world domination is making me ill. I will never make it.
How do I know this? Take the following as disturbing evidence:
*I see someone’s profile name on Twitter is “TeamDaniel” or “TeamTelesa” and I shriek for the Fab5 to come check it out! (and they’re like, yeah, yeah, so?)
*I jump up and down and do a delighted touchdown dance when readers say stuff like, “My little sister has a wave shaped birthmark. I want to take her to the beach, throw her in the ocean and see if she has any telesa powers.” and “It’s raining in Melbourne today. Telesa matagi weather.” and “I hate my boss. She’s a real telesa Sarona type.” and “Reading Telesa on the bus, missed my stop.” and “I can’t concentrate at work. Keep thinking about Telesa.” Or “Dreaming about me and Daniel. I love U Telesa.” Or I stumble across a Twitter conversation where people are discussing which telesa woman they most wish they could be and I want to be an anonymous Tweeter and join in with my opinion. (what did I tell you? Sooo uncool. Capital L on my forehead.)
*I see someone’s profile pic on Facebook is the Telesa bookcover and I want to be best friends with them right away. Maybe bake them cookies. They share their fave quotes and scenes and I want to host a massive Telesa party with fireworks (and Ryan Reynolds aka Jason) – where they’re the guests of honor.
*When I get beautiful emails from readers sharing their experience reading the book – I want to cry. (ok, ok so I did cry. Just once or twice dammnit. Hayfever. )
No, I definitely don’t have what it takes. I am that annoying, pesky author who will stalk you if she sees you reading her book in a library, on a bus, at a mall. Or shower you with shrieking hugs if I hear you discussing the symbolism contained in chapter 5. Or butt in when you’re complaining to a friend about how annoying Leila can be – so I can add my agreeing two cents worth AND my detailed explanation of why she’s the way she is. (To that reader at the bookshop in Samoa…I’m sorry! I promise I’m not usually that jittery and uncool. Truly.)
Lots of people everywhere seem to really be enjoying Telesa. And I still can’t believe it. Other people actually are as obsessed as I am with Daniel and Leila’s story! How cool is that? Gleeful skittery skipping all over the place. The beautiful Jillian Dodd ( author of That Boy) has compared an author’s books to her children. I agree. You spend so much time writing them and preparing them to go out into the big bad world and you worry whether everyone will ‘be nice’ to them. And when, ohmiflamingTelesaFireHeck your book finds people who actually love it, stay up all night to read it, read it 3,4,5 times, watch the book trailer every morning….well, you get kinda ridiculously buzzed. Wow.
I want to tell you that I am so grateful to all of you that have taken the time to read Telesa. Maybe you’ve reviewed it, tweeted about it, shared it on Facebook, or encouraged a friend to read it. Maybe you have sent me an email or left me an online message about the book. I read them all. And yes, I squeeeee and tell the Fab5 to come quick and check it out. (and yeah, they roll their eyes and tell me to try to at least pretend to be cool.) And yes, I’ve probably cyber-stalked your Telesa conversations (because that’s what Loser Uncool Authors do.) I am so grateful for your encouragement and support. I’m new to this. I have so much to learn and a long way to go – but it’s exciting to be taking this journey with all of you!
I can’t promise that I will ever be blase, nonchalant, reserved and cool if you try to Telesa chat with me. (Because my L for Loser is stamped pretty strong on my forehead.) But I can guarantee that I will always be appreciative. And yeah, I’ll probably invite you over for cookies and Diet Coke.