04 Jan Ants in my Damn Pants
Every country has its predators and pests. Like lions, piranhas, crocodiles and Donald Trump. But here in Samoa?
We have ants.
Hordes of tiny determined ants that just wont die even when you spray them, smack them or sweep them out. Ants that REALLY want to come inside and be best friends with you. Eat your food, live in your cupboards, hang out in all your clothes, and have massive parties where you least expect them to.
These ants are biters and they bite waaaaay above their weight class, leaving angry red welts all over your body that have you scratching furiously all day.
Now, you may be scoffing, ‘Ants?? Who cares about a few little ants Lani! Whats wrong with ants?’
If youre a scoffer, then you clearly havent experienced an Ant Shower Attack. Like what happened the other day when I got out of the shower, grabbed my towel from the rail and started drying my hair, face and body. A few minutes later, fiery pinpricks of pain everywhere had me yelping and leaping about frantically. I had ants all over me, even in my hair biting my scalp and on my face. Brushing them off didnt work so I leapt back in the shower to wash them off. Even then some wouldnt give up the fight, they were that determined to cover me in splotchy blotches of misery. By the time I THOUGHT I had gotten rid of them all, my face had puffy bumps on it and around one eye was swollen. It looked like a bad case of acne combined with mumps. And maybe a punch in the face.
I didnt want to leave the house looking like that but I had no choice. I was teaching a class at church and it was too late to find a sub. So I slathered on lots of makeup and hoped for the best.
The best didnt happen. Instead I got the worst. Because I hadntgotten all of them.
There I was, sitting in church with my head bowed reverently. (And strategically. Hiding my ant attack trauma.) When suddenly, pin pricks of hot pain had me wriggling in discomfort.
Several minutes more of ouch and my suspicions were confirmed.
I had ants in my pants. Literally. And they were trying their best to inflict the most pain possible on my backside.
Quickly, I excused myself and slipped away to the restroom where a hasty search revealed two tiny creatures with a whole lot of biting power. Only two ants but daaayuum they could bite!
I went back to teach but it was difficult to focus on being spiritual when I had a scattering of itchy bites in a place I couldnt scratch at while I was in front of the class…It gave new meaning to the terms – discipline and self-mastery, and suffering for one’s religion.
So to all you visitors planning a trip to Samoa – yes this is a beautiful peaceful place. But dont be fooled. We have our predators too. Check your towels and clothes. And whatever you do, dont go to church with ants in your pants.