05 Mar Bad Mothers are Junkies. And hypocrites.

Don’t you just hate it when your kid grows up to be (marginally) smarter than you? And then he doesn’t have the sense to hide it from you?

A small confession first. (Because of course, I’m all about protecting my privacy and never, ever blab my mouth off about anything personal on here. Ever.) So, very unusually, I’m divulging a cringeworthy piece of information about myself…I eat fifty Eclipse sugarfree mint candies a day. Some days I even eat a hundred of them. They are very small candies, just a teensie bit bigger than a tic tac so it’s not as awful as it sounds. There are 50 in a pack and I eat one pack a day. But if I’m being really honest, I kinda eat two packs a day. Sometimes.

Why? No, not because I have bad breath. (But then it would be really hard to tell anyways, since I eat so many Eclipse mints…) I eat them because I lust and adore them. The minty taste is divine. Kinda like eating toothpaste and sugar and ice all mixed up in one blast. I eat them while I’m sitting at my desk writing. A swig of Diet Coke and three Eclipse…consume…ice-blur your brain….write a paragraph…repeat. I used to eat TicTacs, four packs a day but then I got four cavities in one year while I was writing my first book so I switched to sugar free candy. Problem solved, right?

Umm, no. Now my teeth are fragmenting. In rather frightening zombie-like ways. I eat popcorn in the movies and end up spitting out pieces of teeth. The dentist said, ‘Yes, sugarfree mints are way better than TicTacs but 50 mints a day are definitely not good. They are wearing away the enamel on your teeth. You need to stop eating them.”

Have I stopped? Umm, no. I did try, but like most of my addictions, my “TRY” didn’t last very long. (Can I just add that Im SO glad that I never did drugs in my rebellious youth because I have such an addictive personality that oh-my-crackhead-flyinghighmarijuana-self, I would have totally embraced them.)
So I’m still eating Eclipse. And trying to pretend that it’s okay.

Big Son doesn’t approve. It might be because he cares about me. Or it might be because he doesn’t want to blend all my food for me when I’m fifty and fork out for new titanium teeth for his old mum. Or it might be because he’s a smart-a** and rather bossy.

He tells me, “You shouldn’t eat Eclipse anymore.”
I say, “I’m not chewing them anymore. I just suck on them so they can’t damage my enamel anymore.”
He says, “That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying I didn’t inhale.There’s so many chemicals in those things that you’re probably going to get cancer when you get older. You need to quit.
I say, “You don’t understand. Eating Eclipse mints MAKES ME HAPPY, dammnit. And life isn’t worth living unless you’re happy.”
He says, “You sound just like a drug addict. That’s what they say, I can’t live without my fix.”
I’m rather horrified that my son has just compared me to a junkie. I say, “Well, look at this as a teaching moment. Learn from my mistakes and never try any addictive substances. Or Eclipse mints.”
He says, “You’re being hypocritical. What are you teaching me when you’re obviously not learning from your own mistake? If I follow your example I should knowingly, willingly engage in activities that are harmful for me just because they give me a momentary high.”
I’m not sure how to respond to such logic. He’s just so….so….right, that I am momentarily befuddled. So I do the only thing I can do.
I say, “Just be quiet. I’m your mother. I gave you life.”

He rolls his eyes at me. And I shake the Eclipse can very loudly ( and defiantly) and shoot up three of them in one go.

Because eating Eclipse MAKES ME HAPPY, dammnit. And even bad hypocrite mothers deserve some happiness in their lives.

But if anyone has the number for an Eclipse Addicts Support Group, please contact me. Secretly. Let’s not tell Big Son that I think I MIGHT have a problem. He’s fiapoto enough as it is…

26 Comments
  • Love your blog title and thoroughly enjoyed this post, Lani. (Dark chocolate and/or natural peanut butter can act as fixes for me. I feel your pain.)I've got one of 'those' sons, too. My dad used to tell me I had more education but he had experience as his teacher. I see now–and tell my son–he's most likely smarter than I, but I have some experience to temper the knowledge/intelligence. My guy's a cool dude. Yours sounds as though he is too.Have a great day!

    March 5, 2012 at 11:06 am
  • Love your blog title and thoroughly enjoyed this post, Lani. (Dark chocolate and/or natural peanut butter can act as fixes for me. I feel your pain.)I've got one of 'those' sons, too. My dad used to tell me I had more education but he had experience as his teacher. I see now–and tell my son–he's most likely smarter than I, but I have some experience to temper the knowledge/intelligence. My guy's a cool dude. Yours sounds as though he is too.Have a great day!

    March 5, 2012 at 11:06 am
  • Between eclipse mints and diet coke you must be consuming mountains of aspartame … ewwwwww yukky! as Bella would say. Your dentist must be planning his round-the-world-trip with glee when he sees you coming!!

    March 5, 2012 at 11:37 am
  • Between eclipse mints and diet coke you must be consuming mountains of aspartame … ewwwwww yukky! as Bella would say. Your dentist must be planning his round-the-world-trip with glee when he sees you coming!!

    March 5, 2012 at 11:37 am
  • Oh Lani girl, what are you doing???…I wish I could say to do whatever it takes to make you happy, but im with your Big son this time. If you get sick, no one can ever and will never fit your shoes. The talents that you are blessed with and you've shared with us, the books that you enjoy writing and we love reading, no one can ever replace you. Please look after your health. Find something better to chew on.

    March 5, 2012 at 8:45 pm
  • Thanks Joanna – chocolate and peanut butter do sound highly addictive and delicious… My son is very cool. Even when he knows more than me.

    March 5, 2012 at 9:21 pm
  • Spanna, I am quite horrified and disgusted reading back my blog post. Putting it on 'paper' like that "I eat FIFTY >>>I MEAN A HUNDRED MINTS A DAY" is very confronting. I feel sick now. And today, is my first Eclipse-free day. (so far so good.) Im not going to quit Diet Coke tho. Have to tackle one addiction at a time.

    March 5, 2012 at 9:22 pm
  • Thank you – you and Big Son are absolutely correct. Admission is the first step towards breaking an addiction and this blogpost was my big mouth admission. Yes I have a problem and i need help. (Big Son is laughing at me. He has a very self-satisfied look on his face."

    March 5, 2012 at 9:24 pm
  • Haha this post is hilarious….my sister does that to me all the time…."you know eating all that pasta all the time isn't good for you….you should at least work out or something or you're gonna end up a big ole fat sack of lady after you have kids and your husband will leave you for a skinny college girl" I tell her to shut up and worry about her own problems….Speaking of my sister though I thought ud be interested to know that I'm allowing her to do my hair (yea I'll have to do it again later most likely) and my ends are still a little red from my old dye job that's growing out. She said my hair looks like its on fire…and then proceeded to ask me if I'm a Telesa like that cool book! I figured I'd like to know

    March 5, 2012 at 11:34 pm
  • Edit* I figured you would like to know that she randomly mentiones your book in conversation

    March 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm
  • How can you eat Eclipse mints and drink diet coke at the same time?? That makes your mouth go all cold and fizzy. It's horrible. You have a problem Lani. But on the other hand, way to go big son! I'm totally on his side with this one. Maybe there's an Eclipse patch you can buy?

    March 6, 2012 at 2:04 am
  • Did I get you hooked on these??? I down 1-2 tins a day of the white ones….S I G H… do i have to give them up too? xxAs yr Cousin, i recommend that you do what keeps you happy and high lol 🙂 My teeth arent shattering yet. (YET)

    March 6, 2012 at 2:06 am
  • how funny! i love it! although i can't say i'm looking forward to my kids showing me their smartness at my expense when they get older.

    March 6, 2012 at 2:18 am
  • Hi Lani! Quite relieved that Peanut is still only talking in 3,4 word sentences. Otherwise I could be confronted about my alarmingly fast growing nail polish collection… And I can't have that now, can I? lol You've raised a real Confuscius there xx

    March 6, 2012 at 3:33 am
  • Haha! This was hilarious! My son is the same way. "You're destroying the planet by having every light on in the house." "But the light makes me HAAAAPPPPPPPPYYY. You want your mom to be happy, right?" "But you're wasting electricity." "I pay the bill! Someday when you pay the power bill, you can turn off all the lights you want." Darn sons. Thinking they're so smart.

    March 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm
  • OMG Lani, this was too damn funny! I am still cracking up at "Just be quiet. I'm your mother. I gave you life."! LOL..LOL..LOL!! I am not a mother yet but I can only imagine haha!!

    March 6, 2012 at 10:48 pm
  • You know theymake special toothpaste that can help protect your tooth enamel? Might be something to consider.. missed reading sleepless! Great post. J

    March 9, 2012 at 6:40 am
  • I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing that your sister randomly mentions Telesa. Love it! And yes, only our family members can get away with telling us straight up whats good for us ( and not so good for us…)

    March 11, 2012 at 6:08 am
  • Its DELICIOUSLY horrible! LOL I want to report that its been 6 days since i last had an eclipse. And its really killing me. I figure give it another week and i should be cured of the craving.

    March 11, 2012 at 6:09 am
  • Why arent YOUR teeth suffering my dearest (and skinniest) cousin!? I think I hate you. For being skinny AND for being able to eat ecliipse and not have fragmenting teeth. aaaargh.

    March 11, 2012 at 6:10 am
  • Tell me about it. You raise them to be smart and confident…and then they turn on you! lol

    March 11, 2012 at 6:11 am
  • I loved the nail polish blog Lilidonna – anytime you want to offload some of those, Im happy to take some off your hands….

    March 11, 2012 at 6:11 am
  • Smart children – the bane of our existence. Who dared to raise such smart kids in the first place?! LOL

    March 11, 2012 at 6:12 am
  • When they were younger that line worked really well "I gave you life..I used to be skinny and beautiful until you came along…I sacrificed everything for you…blah blah." But doesnt work anymore!

    March 11, 2012 at 6:13 am
  • What an excellent suggestion Jo – thank you! Im going to check it out. Hey, I missed you in the blogging world but I loved seeing what youve been busy creating with your jewellery etc. Congratulations!

    March 11, 2012 at 6:14 am
  • Anonymous
    Reply

    Oh my goodness! I am addicted to Eclipse mints! The spearmint flavour. Have you kicked your addiction?? I go through 1-2 tins a day and feel justified because they are sugar free, yummy and hot. Googled ‘addicted to mints’ and can’t believe how many people are addicted. Thanks for sharing Lani. I’m going to get this under control.

    November 30, 2013 at 4:52 pm

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