06 Jun Crappy Mothers Deserve Ice-Cream too.

Y’know what’s really inconsiderate? – When people start events on time. Especially when those events involve children. And even more especially when it requires (bad) caregivers watching and cheering for those children.

Case in point. Bella’s class has been practising dance and skit items for their special assembly. She’s been coming home to show us her moves and sing us her songs. She said she needed a white T.shirt, lavalava and a cowboy hat. (Dont ask me how those things fit together. These are the deep mysteries of primary school productions. One must not question but simply – obey. Or else one’s six year old gets agitated.)

The notice said her assembly would begin at 1.20pm. I didn’t want to go. There, I said it. I – Lani Young – had no desire whatsoever to see my kid wear a cowboy hat and sing ‘She’ll be comin round the mountain’ in her brave yet slightly off-key voice.

Correction: I didn’t mind seeing MY kid sing in a cowboy hat and lavalava because she is MY kid after all and I’ve spent six years getting to know her and  trying to be nice to her, so I can concede that any attempts on her part, to sing or dance – will probably be adorable. To ME. However, I could just see her dance moves AT HOME. Where its more convenient. Where there arent kazillions of other people’s kids dancing and singing off-key. Because let’s face it, I’m not interested in suffering thru any other people’s kids dancing. I’m bad like that.

So I didnt want to go to her class performance. But I couldnt come up with an acceptable excuse NOT to go. (This is the problem with working from home. The child has seen you sit around the house in your pyjamas all day, eating cake and decoding the mysteries of the universe on Facebook your laptop. She KNOWS you have no Very Important People to meet in Very Important Meetings. She KNOWS you have no credible reason for missing her performance.)

I figured though, that if I had to endure a bunch of 6yr olds singing – then Bella’s Dad should too. Thankfully, he didnt need much convincing because unlike Bella’s (crappy) mother, he actually likes going to his kids school and sporting events. Which is a mystery to me because he could have said, “Sorry I cant make it because we’re in the middle of bricklaying the walls of our new house and I have fifteen employees who I need to supervise or else we could end up with crooked crappy walls from hell…” – and it would have been true. Totally legit excuse.

Instead he said, I’ll go with you. What time does it start?

I said, “We should get there at 1.20.”

(See how I carefully side-stepped his question? Know why I phrased my response that way? Because the man is a FREAK about being punctual. It drives me nuts. If something starts at 1.20, then he’s gonna want to leave the house at 12.30 AT THE LATEST. ‘So we can get good parking…a front row seat…photos of Bella before she goes on…so we’re not rushed…so we’re not LATE.’)

Heck no. I wasnt about to give up any more minutes of my time than was absolutely necessary. Besides, this is Samoa. Everybody knows that everybody operates on “island time”, right?

Yeah, apparently everybody EXCEPT Bella’s school. And all the other (goody-two-shoes) parents of all Bella’s classmates. Who were all sitting there on time, avidly appreciating and nurturing the talents and creativity of the youth of Samoa. Damn them.

Due to a number of pressing factors (like I couldnt find any clothes to wear that were suitable for the world outside my cave…and ohmigosh someone’s legs need shaving…and I’m hungry I need a snack before I go…) we got to Bella’s school at 1.25pm. And the Hot Man was blissfully unaware that we were a teensie bit late because he was operating on the assumption that because I’d told him we must be there at 1.20, the performance must start at…hmmm…2pm?  Which is why he was befuddled to find that the show had started already. “Huh?”

And five minutes after we got there, they announced, “Our finale number!”

Not only had the performance started on time (WHO does that?!?! Start on time?! So inconsiderate.)  it was also a very short program. Probably because it was a bunch of 6yr olds with short attention spans.

So we missed Bella dancing the siva in her lavalava. And whatever role she had in the play. Her Dad wasnt happy. #frownyFace

“Dont worry,” I reassured the Hot Man. “This next number is the important one. The one she’s been practising a lot at home.”

Bella got up with all the other kids. She held a mural picture of a barn. All the kids sang and danced ‘She’ll be coming round the mountain’. I think Bella sang and wriggle danced too but it was tricky to tell – because she was standing behind a barn. The song took all of five minutes.

The End. That was it.

In my head (where evil crappy mother thoughts live) – Im thinking – I shaved my legs for this? I ironed my shirt and dashed up here for this? Are you kidding me?!

But the Hot Man was wracked with guilt, shaking his head. “We should have got here earlier. My poor daughter. My Bella was probably looking for us. How hurt she must be to know we missed most of the show…”

Dude, anyone would think this was his first kid and not his fifth. (Y’seen one kid’s warbly chaotic dance performance – y’seen ’em all. Is my philosophy.)

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. I didnt say, ‘Snap out of it!’ Instead I said, “Leave it to me. Just follow my lead.” This is not my first rodeo…

When Bella ran over to us, I gave her a big hug. “You were great up there. So brave and beautiful in your cowboy hat. And the bestest singing Barn in the whole world.” Which was all true. You shouldnt lie to your kids.

She said, “Did you see my siva Samoa?”

Before her Dad could open his mouth and ruin it, I said, “You dance so gracefully. We’re so proud of you and happy for you. Beautiful siva Samoa.” Which was also true. So what if we didnt see it THAT DAY.  “I seen her siva plenty at home” I muttered aside to the Hot Man.

Bella beamed as she slipped her hand into mine. “I love you.”  And right then in that moment – I was glad we’d come to watch her. Even if we did get there late.

I was even more glad to heave a sigh of relief that they only have one class assembly a year and we wouldnt have to go through this again for awhile.

Then we went to McDonalds. Because after all that effort, I  – oops, I mean – Bella, deserved an ice-cream.


Can you see her standing behind the barn? You can’t? – Aha, you should have got there early then for a front row seat! #loser

2014-06-06 09.19.06

1 Comment
  • She is the best barn ever! And you rock as a mom, and of course you, um she deserved ice cream.

    June 7, 2014 at 9:04 pm

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