26 Mar Deadpool, Vampires and Hats in Samoa
I recently developed sun poisoning, otherwise known as photodermatitis, meaning Im allergic to UV rays. (Maybe Im a vampire?) Which makes life in tropical sunny Samoa a bit tricky.
It doesnt even have to be direct sunlight. I drive the kids to school in the morning and if its not raining, then by the time I get back home, my arms are covered with an itchy red rash from the sunlight thats come in through the windscreen. I sit in the shade when I take the kids to the pool and my face is stinging and swollen like I’ve poured nail polish remover over it. It doesnt help that Im also allergic to most sunblock lotions and face creams. The worst episode thus far, happened in NZ last month. The entire top layer of skin on my face peeled off after first puffing up so badly that, according to my
rotten children – I looked like Deadpool. Minus the mask.
My wonderful family are full of helpful suggestions for what I should do to avoid exposure to the sun.
1. An umbrella hat. Was the Hot Man’s brilliant idea. Like this one in the picture, only much BIGGER. Thankfully, he has yet to find one in any stores here in Samoa.
2. A Deadpool mask – Because as Big Son said (with much excitement), “Since your face looks so much like his, it makes perfect sense that you would go all the way and wear his mask!” Perhaps with this matching hat?
3. Wear a veil. An elei lavalava wrapped around my face. And another one to envelop my body like a tent. – This was my idea. But i tried going for a walk draped in flowing lavalavas and nearly expired from lack of oxygen, and heatstroke. And the Hot Man said I looked like Evaliga. So I chucked that idea.
4. Never leave the house. Go nowhere. Wait for the Apocalypse. – While this is my most preferred option, its impossible because I have children who cant drive themselves to school, or take themselves to sports or beaches, or forage for nuts and berries and hunt for wild beasts to eat. (Theyre rather useless, these children. Eh.)
5. Wear big hats.
This is now the most attractive option. I have
wasted a disgusting amount of time perused Pinterest looking for hats and I’ve come to certain conclusions.
A. Hats make you look skinny. (I have yet to see a single fat woman wearing a hat on Pinterest.)
B. Hats make you look cool. Elegant. Chic. As we all know I aspire to be all those things. Plus, hats make you look richly bored and vaguely weary of the trivialities of life. Like, you dont have time or energy to worry about the little things. Just LOOK at this woman and her hat. Does she look like a woman who’s worried about what to put in her kid’s lunchbox? Or when she last scrubbed the toilet? Or whether or not she has enough Doritos to make it through the day? No.
C. Hats cover lots of stuff you dont want people to see. You got a bald spot? Wear a hat. You havent brushed your hair for a week? Wear a hat. You got a face thats had the skin peeled off by sun poisoning? Wear a hat! Even better, you can use your hat to ignore people. See this royal Princess in the pic? You cant even see her face. You can use your big hat to pretend that you cant see people. Or to hide your eye rolling when they say something stupid. Your big hat can even conceal you saying lots of swear words if necessary.
I am now on a mission to acquire amazing hats that will make me skinny, elegant, cool, chic, flawless and that will allow me to hide from people, or roll my eyes and swear at them as needed. In the meantime, Im trying my best to stay indoors and only venture forth when the other vampires are out and about.
P.S If youve got any experience with photodermatitis, I would love to get your tips for keeping your face intact. Or suggestions for where to get a great hat?