07 Apr When a Palagi dates a Samoan – Cousin Siaosi’s Advice
We are counting down the days to the release of Scarlet Redemption on April 11th. Pre-order your ebook copy here at the discount price: Scarlet Redemption . While you’re waiting for the conclusion to Scarlet’s story, enjoy this list of advice from her cousin Siaosi…for How to Date a Samoan Girl.
The first thing you must remember is that Samoans don’t date. Ask any Samoan about this thing called ‘dating’ and they will laugh in your face. All your relatives are your cousins. Anyone not related to you, is your friend and you can’t go anywhere with your friend unless your cousins go too. We don’t date. Not the way palagi’s do anyway.
The second thing you have to know is that not only do we not ‘date, but also a Samoan woman can’t ever openly say that she’s attracted to someone. Or interested in them at all. Even if Jason Momoa or Sonny Bill Williams knocked on her family’s door? She would have to say no thank you and please go away right now. If any of her aunties or cousins are watching, then she will probably even get a salu to sweep him out the door. And throw rocks at him as he runs fast down the road. (But making sure to have bad aim because nobody would want to risk scarring their beauty. Of course.) She would have to do the same if it were the son of the faifeau. Or a man who just won the Lotto.
That’s because, like I said, Samoans don’t date. Not officially. And remember, there’s officially only two kinds of woman.
First, you are a good Christian girl who never has sex, isn’t interested in sex (not even with Jason Momoa), but always prays and goes to church, and works hard to serve her family. Then suddenly, you are getting married and ready to be a good wife. How did you find that husband? The official story is that you prayed a lot to Jesus and He sent him to you. No dating. But unofficially? Behind the pa auke scenes, you sent a message to Jason to please forgive you for throwing stones at him and to please meet you at the church youth meeting tonight where you will exchange hot lustful looks at each other from across the hall. Then you will sneak out and meet him at the Marina where you will dance and drink and possibly engage in lustful acts. But ‘date’ him? No.
The second kind of woman is a pa’umuku. A slut. She doesn’t care about the rules or about what people think. She goes on dates and probably has sex in the bushes with every one of them. Then she either gets pregnant or she causes fights and great upheaval in the aiga. She never finds a good husband and she is a source of immense shame to her family, and constant gossip for everyone else. Officially, nobody wants to be this kind of woman.
So if you are a palagi man and you like a Samoan woman, then you have to be smart about it. You have to know the culture. The ways of our people. How do you do it? How do you get to know that pretty girl and make her family love you? You follow these steps.
- Be friends with her brothers. This is very important. Her brothers can kill you. Or they can drink Taula beer with you and be happy. If you make them your friends first before you try anything with their sister, then if they need to fasi you, they’ll hold back and they’ll have bad aim when they throw rocks at you. Since you can’t go out on dates with the woman you like, the best way to spend time with her, is to spend time with her family.
- Which leads to number two. Be a servant. In Samoa, we have a special word – faiava. It means, man who comes into woman’s family and is next to dirt. Just kidding. It means man who comes into woman’s family and so he has no voice, no rights, no nothing. There, doesn’t that sound better?!
When you are at the woman’s family, you must make yourself useful. Do the feau’s. Always go to the kitchen, never sit in the living room. Even better, go to the outside umukuka where the cooking boys are and help them with the firewood and to valu the popo. Help make the umu and the saka. You could be the CEO of your own company, or the Captain of the All Blacks rugby team, but if you don’t know how to do chores and recognise that your place is at the bottom of the family feau’s chart, then you’re doomed. You may get the girl but her family will forever be stabbing you in the back and loudly mocking your uselessness to everyone they know. Samoans may be impressed by money and prestige, but if you want our lasting respect? Then understand that above all else, we value service.
- Be nice to her grandma, to her aunties, to her mother, to her great-grandma. But never look at her sisters. Stare at the ground. Don’t smile at them. Don’t laugh with them. Don’t share food with them. You can be friends with her brothers but stay away from her sisters. In Samoa, the line between brother and sister is very clear. Don’t make the mistake of being friendly to her sisters.
- Always take your shoes off before you come inside the house. Or else we will know you are dirty. Who wants a dirty man for their daughter? And I have to say it – make sure you kaele before you visit. I say that because I have noticed some palagi’s have different ideas of what clean means. We shower in the morning and the night. We shower after rugby practise. We shower before we go to church. We shower before we go to Bingo. My palagi friends say that sometimes they ‘forget’ to kaele. For several days at a time. What kind of person FORGETS to kaele?! How is that even possible?
- Always bring food when you visit. Bring food on Saturday for the lunch. Bring food on Sunday for toonai. Bring food to birthdays, parties, funerals and baptisms. But never bring a salad. That’s not real food. That’s just asking for our disdain. And portions are very important. If there’s five people in her family, never bring a dish with only five servings on it. That’s a sure sign that you are the worst kind of palagi. Siu and le mafaufau. Cheap and you have no brains. For example, a good way to casually drop by on a Sunday evening? Bring ten loaves of hot fresh bread from Siaosi’s bakery and a tray of coconut buns to have with koko. That way you are acknowledging the existence of not only her parents and brothers and sisters, but also her grandparents, her aunties and uncles that may be visiting, and any cousins that are working in the umukuka.
If you really want to go big, then bring a Size Two roast pig. And a basket of umu kalo and palusami. Plates from Treasure Garden are also acceptable. Not the cheap plates with too many vegetables. No. The sweet and sour pork. Lemon chicken. The whole fish in black bean sauce. And egg foo yong. Combination noodles. Other events require a box of herrings or a pusa moa. A five pound corned beef pisupo. Remember, when you date a Samoan girl, you are dating her family. Which means feed her family.
- No public displays of affection. Don’t touch her. Ever. So what if you’ve been visiting her family for a whole year now? So what if her grandmother calls you her precious son, and her father lets you watch wrestling on the TV with him? Men and women who are dating #notDating, don’t touch. It’s good if you ignore her most of the time when you come over to visit. Everyone in the aiga knows that you’re there to see their daughter, but we will all pretend that you aren’t. And if you ruin the fantasy by trying to hold her hand or compliment her? Then we will be forced to throw you out. And fasi you.
Do you agree with Siaosi’s list? What advice would YOU add?