01 Nov There are Some Skank Ho’s in West Auckland

There are some skanky ho’s living in West Auckland. And they aint got no shame. At all. But what makes it worse? Little Son thinks they are wonderful, delightsome creatures…

The Hot Man was being kind and thoughtful. He took all the children off my hands so I could write. (Yay for the Hot Man.) He delivered teenagers to their Youth activity. And then he scored himself points in Little Kid’s heaven by taking them to McDonalds’s for dinner. (Even tho we already had a healthy balanced dinner for them at home. Yay for the Hot Man.) He sent the Terrible Trio to go play in the playground while he sat guard over their Happy Meals. I must interject here and tell you that I got all the following info from my spies. They’re highly trained, dedicated sleuths. Otherwise known as Little Daughter and Bella Beast.  Now on with my tale.

Picture it…There’s the Hot Man, minding his own Hot business…when along comes a pretty, skinny-yet-luscious, single mom, busting out of her clothes with abundant friendliness. (As skank ho’s do.) She lights up like a Xmas tree at the sight of the Hot Man and descends upon him. Introduces herself, tells him about her divorced single-mom state. Tells him how much she loves to make new friends. Meet new people. Try new things. Go out partying when she’s not skankin at McDonalds. 

He tells her he’s married. She thinks thats wonderful! He tells her he’s got five kids. She thinks thats precious! He tells her he’s just taken over as the full-time parent, taking care of the kids while his wife is writing. She thinks thats just darrrling!

She then goes for gold. (As skank ho’s do.) “I’m free during the day too! We should totally get together and hang out!”   (Can you tell that I’m punching holes in my laptop as I write this with viciousness and repressed volcano fury?)

At this moment, Little Daughter and Little Son come running over because they have seen this friendly exchange taking place. As this woman tries to jump their Dad’s bones right there in the Family Restaurant. The woman is not deterred. Oh no. She oozes slimy charm. “Are these your children? Ohmigosh they’re soooo adorable! Hi kids!”

Little Daughter ( bless her devoted heart) is unimpressed. Suspicious. She sidles up to the Hot Man, whispers, “Dad, why is this woman talking to you so much?”

Little Son on the other hand, reveals his true traitorous nature and revels in the skank ho’s affections. She GIVES MY FREAKIN’ BETRAYER SON A HUG AND HE LIKES IT. He nudges the Hot Man with a grin, “Dad, who’s your girlfriend? She’s so pretty!” 

The woman is encouraged by his comment. She asks the Hot Man for his phone number. (HELLO! WHAT THE HELL KINDA WORLD IS THIS WHEN CHICKS CAN USE THE GOLDEN ARCHES TO LIGHT UP THEIR “VACANT and HOT” SIGN?!) The Hot Man refuses. She tries to give him HER number. He refuses. Little Daughter is not happy. “Dad, why does she want your phone number? Why is she hugging Zach?”

Somehow they manage to extricate themselves safely from the woman’s clutches. She waves at them as they drive off. “See you again!”

They come home to the writer who’s been slaving her fingers to the bone surfing banana cream pie recipes on AllRecipes.com.  They tell her about what happened. Little Daughter is indignant.  “My Dad kept telling her no and she kept trying to give him her phone number!” Little Daughter is only ten but already she can spot a skanky-seductress-homewrecker-trashy tart a mile away. I am going to leave Little Daughter lots of things in my will. Like all my banana cream pie recipes. And my extensive Telesa tattoo research. And lots and lots of love with ice cream and chocolate sauce on top.

I am really annoyed with Skank-Ho’s that hang out at McDonalds jumpin on other people’s Hot Men.  I’m not a Fire Goddess like Leila in my Telesa books, but I’m sure I could get all fierce and feisty and kick-ass with this woman if I could meet her in person. I could like….ummm…attack her with my words. Waste her with witticisms. Mash her with metaphors. Amaze her with alliteration and analogies and really scary stuff like that. So there, so there. Take that.

I told Hot Man I was going to blog about her and he was horrified. “No don’t. What if she reads your blog? You cant call people skanky ho’s on your blog!”  I said, “Dont be ridiculous. Skank-Ho’s dont read. Blogs. They’re too busy slut’ting all over the place and having a good time with idiots who fall for their tricks.”

But you know who I’m REALLY mad at?

Little Son.

Traitor. Selling his own mother out for a pretty face and a sleazy smile.

(Oh yeah, and I’m also kinda miffed. Cos I’ve taken those kids to McDonalds a kazillion times. And nobody ever hit on me ever…. *sniff sniff* )

34 Comments
  • hahahaha…that is so funny! Go Lani! Im right there behind you doing a fukislam to "those" skank hos..!!xoxo

    November 1, 2012 at 8:19 am
  • Chooohoooo….maybe she just wanted the happy meal? Daayum, that's pretty desperate

    November 1, 2012 at 9:16 am
  • **singing to Little Son** "…Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl (Ho) is poisoooooon…" When you're done giving her a verbal ass-kicking go ahead and clobber her over the head with your dictionary. Maybe she'll gain some smarts via osmosis. Too bad they don't sell 'class' in her neck of the woods. Auoi!

    November 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm
  • Fukislam sounds rite lol

    November 1, 2012 at 9:59 pm
  • Hot Man insists she was ' just lonely…an being friendly' Ha. Not.

    November 1, 2012 at 10:00 pm
  • That song is perfect! Been a while since i heard that one…that girl is poison! But now i know where Little Sons loyalties lie…

    November 1, 2012 at 10:02 pm
  • Wow out of all places Mac Donald's :O i wonder where her kids where when this "friendly approach" of hers was happening? She did come with her kids right? lol

    November 1, 2012 at 10:31 pm
  • ha that was a great read! love the way you write…haha bet Hot Man isn't allowed to go back to McD's without you now lol

    November 2, 2012 at 1:18 am
  • Bahahahhaha…..so true!! Your blog really made my day! Perhaps we should organize a No Skanky-Ho support group at McDonalds?? ahahahhaha…..your poor son! He's going to have alot to redeem for!! ahahahahha…..Good for you!! p.s. I trust you will reward your daughter accordingly.. 🙂

    November 2, 2012 at 1:21 am
  • What the CRAZY?????!!!!!!!!!!!! the nerve. poor desperate thing

    November 2, 2012 at 1:25 am
  • Yes, her two lovely kids were there in the playground… oh well. No more McDonalds for Hot Man! lol

    November 2, 2012 at 1:34 am
  • Glad u enjoyed the read Glorie, lol. Nah I need him to keep going to McDonalds with the kids so I can get some work done! Except now i feel like i better dress up super-flash next time I go to McDonalds…

    November 2, 2012 at 1:35 am
  • aga o a'u ua pake le ulu…

    November 2, 2012 at 1:36 am
  • note to self never send my other half with my children to Mcdonalds every again…lol 🙂

    November 2, 2012 at 1:45 am
  • Well well well, can I shout your kids (son) to Maccas please…..lol

    November 2, 2012 at 1:53 am
  • I loved this one haha, bonus would have been daughter taking a pic for you to post as well!!!

    November 2, 2012 at 3:23 am
  • wow, no shame in that woman's game…try as she may, your Hotness only got eyes for his one and only..you…thanks for the blog, enjoyed reading it 🙂

    November 2, 2012 at 4:39 am
  • wow, no shame in that woman's game…try as she may, your Hotness only got eyes for his one and only..you…thanks for the blog, enjoyed reading it 🙂

    November 2, 2012 at 4:40 am
  • bwahahahaha I am just tearfully laughing while my lot think I am nuts. That is so funny and you make it even funnierrrrrr…not that skanky ho's ho-ing in on hot mans are funny but you are so right….Skanks do not read coz they are on the prowl. Thanks for a fabulous friday laugh. Looking forward to the next book. Abundance and blessings for you amazing woman 🙂

    November 2, 2012 at 6:45 am
  • Do not send your husband to Ikea during weekdays. I'm warning you!

    November 2, 2012 at 8:25 am
  • At McDonalds huh? hahaha Wow skank hos have no shame. Love this one Lani! Ooh and I hope she is reading this. lol

    November 2, 2012 at 11:55 am
  • Skank ho's in VA have no shame at all, my Hot Man has been hit on st the grocery store, pediatricians, hospital, and in Walmart. At Walmart I was standing 20 feet away! Of course my 2 year olddaughter is the Skankanator and shuts that down real quick! She usually beats me to the punchand is not above calling someone a "bad lady", as in "Go away bad lady, my Daddy!!!"

    November 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm
  • Hahahaha. That's too funny. I've watched my boyfriend get hit on by a pregnant woman. I mean really? It's obvious you're already knocked up. There had to be a man around some time ago. You're really going to try your hand at a man while a small child is still growing in your tummy. What did you want from him, to be your baby's dad? uhhh No! How about you focus your efforts on making sure your relationship with the real baby's dad works out instead of trying to capture my boyfriend! Nasty!

    November 2, 2012 at 10:35 pm
  • Great post! I laughed my ass off!You pick up food from maccas, not bloody men lmao

    November 3, 2012 at 4:54 am
  • LOL great post!! enjoyed reading it.

    November 4, 2012 at 10:33 pm
  • You: "Poison" Bel Biv DevoeHer: "Don't ya" Pussycat DollsHim: "It wasn't me" ShaggyKids: " Parents just understand " Fresh Prince

    November 5, 2012 at 5:04 am
  • Kids : "Parents just don't understand " Fresh Prince

    November 5, 2012 at 5:10 am
  • Lani you will also find skanky hoes at supermarkets. My son went with his dad shopping the other day and told me about what goes on in the fresh veg and fruit isle lol.

    November 5, 2012 at 8:11 am
  • Its a very nice post. I really enjoy this post and need more post.Thanks to the Authore.blogging tips

    November 5, 2012 at 8:54 am
  • Great! Had me cracking up! I could feel the heat! Hot man is TAKEN, thank you very much! BACK OFF!

    November 7, 2012 at 4:55 am
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    November 8, 2012 at 11:31 pm
  • mokoslam sounds better for these sleezy hos … lol

    November 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm
  • Ha … Perhaps u can tag along but sit at a separte table away from HotMan and the kids … just saying hahaha …great piece of realism Lani. Thanks.

    November 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm
  • OMG… laughing at work on a Tuesday afternoon. Thanks Lani 🙂

    November 27, 2012 at 2:34 am

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