04 Jun Wonder Woman – 4 badass things you should know

I went to watch the movie Wonder Woman and here is my review.

The first thing you need to know about Wonder Woman is that she is a total badass. The only people who come close to being as badass as her – are her fight instructor Aunty Antiope, her mother Hippolyta and the rest of the Amazon women who live on a mystical island called Themyscira. The women of Themyscira are my fave part of the movie.

When you walk out of the theater you will be so inspired by the badass-ness of woman,  you will know that you too can walk into a hail of bullets and cannon fire on a smoke-filled battlefield and look good doing it. You will want to jump, kick, punch, catapault, leap and generally badass your way out of any tough situation. You will see your dresses and skirts for what they really are – contraptions designed to stop you from doing all the jumping / kicking / leaping / catapaulting that you were meant to do. And you will be able to say with confidence like Wonder Woman, “Men are useful for reproductive purposes, but when it comes to sexual pleasure they are completely unnecessary.” (And hopefully you will then meet Chris Pine and have him change your mind.)

Amazons from Wonder Woman movie 2017.

Amazons from Wonder Woman movie 2017.

Secondly, although Wonder Woman is a total badass, she is clueless when it comes to men. It’s obvious she has never dated Sione from high school who was a sloppy gross kisser and groper. Or had to endure nasty whistles and ‘hey babee’ comments at the Savalalo market, from an array of yuck males. We know this because when she walks in on Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) in all his naked glistening, fresh-from-his-kaele glory – she doesn’t say, ‘Oh hallelujah!’ and jump him. Instead she asks if he’s considered an ‘average example’ of his kind. (Which means she also hasn’t seen Jason Momoa or the Rock.)

Number three thing to know is that while Steve Trevor is not Jason Momoa or the Rock he is still 100% hotness with just the right amount of cocky almost-too-much-confidence. He’s so pretty to look at that I would jump off a cliff and save him from a crashed plane in the ocean, just so I could have him wake up in a daze and look at me with those pretty boy eyes. If I were stuck on a mystical island all my life and a total stranger that looked like Steve Trevor arrived and said, “I have to go back to the war to save the world!” – I would go with him (and his golden boy abs) to dirty, soot-covered, smelly wartime London. Sure why not? Of course that’s not why Wonder Woman goes to London with Steve. She goes because she wants to save the world. Steve Trevor’s beautiful company is  just a bonus.

Steve is also honorable, brave, daring and a pretty good fighter. But not as brave and bold and awesome as Wonder Woman. Which makes the movie even better.

When everyone is huddling in the trenches getting the crap bombed out of them, and children are crying for someone to save them, Wonder Woman says, ‘We have to help them!’

And the beautiful Steve Trevor says, ‘We can’t. We have a mission to follow and this isn’t it. You can’t save everyone Diana!’  Which shows he can be rational and logical, as well as beautiful.

Wonder Woman then proceeds to prove him wrong, while all the soldier dudes are cowering in fear. She saves the day and everyone rejoices and dances in the snow. Which just goes to show that being rational is for wimps mortals, beautiful man abs aren’t everything, and if the world needs saving, you need a (Wonder) Woman to do it.

The final and most important detail is that Wonder Woman is basically a ripoff of Nafanua the Samoan goddess of war. (Except in this movie, Wonder Woman has to defeat the palagi god of war called Ares. Who for some odd reason is a pasty, weedy, loser kinda dude with an obnoxious moustache. Unimpressive.)

While I’m excited to see a fabulous superhero movie about a woman superhero, that’s directed by a woman, and heavy on the #womenAreBadass vibe – all the key badass women in the film are white. We Samoans are lucky to already know all about kickass women who are strong, courageous, legendary fighters and exceptional war strategists. I look forward to the day when I can take my children to a blockbuster film starring Nafanua and an array of other badass Samoan women.

Until then, I give Wonder Woman a solid 5 stars. With an extra fist-bump of appreciation for the beautiful #FreshFromHisKaele Steve Trevor.

Wonder Woman is showing at Apollo Cinemas, Apia. Check the movie schedule here.

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